The Big G - He Always Sees You

El Roi - The God Who Sees Me

I've often heard it said that special needs moms begin to feel invisible.  In many cases, travel becomes more difficult so, as we become more secluded, it can truly feel like we are invisible.  That is something I've regularly prayed about.  Lately though, instead of pouring my heart out to say how invisible I feel, it has been an overwhelming sense of gratitude to the One who sees me, El Roi - the God who sees me.

It started in May when I attended a Women of Joy Conference.  During those wonderful services, God began to bring people across my path to show me that He had seen me.  As I sat during one of the services, the speaker taught on the woman with the issue of blood and how many labels she must have had.  She would have been rejected by everyone - her family, friends, husband.  Now that is isolated.  But then she touched the hem of Jesus' garment and heard Him call her daughter.

Mark 5:34

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Daughter!  The only one that had the authority to name her called her daughter!  As the speaker shared those words, I thought, "Ow, no. Ow, no, no, no."  Sigh - the ugly cry.  The speaker asked us to hold hands across the convention center and pray for those to each side.  I don't know who the person was that was beside me but before she left she stopped to speak briefly and then I saw her again when we were across from each other at a book kiosk.  She smiled a smile that told me she was praying for me.  I knew instantly that God was saying, "I am the God who sees you."

Later that day, we went to the grocery store.  A sweet little grandpa was walking past as I was getting Ryan's chair out and said, "Good job Momma!  Thank you for what you are doing."  He was quite happy about heading home with his frozen pizza to watch sports in his favorite chair.  Again, "I am the God who sees you."

As we were coming out of the grocery store, Wes had loaded up the groceries and I had loaded Ryan.  I was walking around to put the wheelchair in and another sweet little grandpa came walking up to me.  He had that, "I'm about to hug you" look on his face and so he did.  He said, "Thank you for being such a good caregiver!  It is just wonderful to see. Thank you!"  Again, "I am the God who sees you."

It has been about a month since I met the two grandpas and I've come to realize that the God who sees me must realize what a lonely, awkward time it can be to go to the grocery store.  He most often sends the reminders of how He sees me during the trips to the store.  This time, as I stood in line, a retired New York police officer came up to speak to Ryan and tell him how sharp his shirt was.  He then looked at me and said, "You are doing a great thing and the Big G always sees you and what you are doing, always.  He will reward you."  He even looked back as he walked away, smiled and said it again, "The Big G - He sees you!" 

Genesis 16:13

She (Hagar) gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."

For all of my fellow Moms, ask God to show you that He sees you.  He won't disappoint.  Give it a try and let me know.

What can you do to help a special needs parent feel less lonely? When you see them find something to compliment their child on.  It really doesn't matter what it is - their shirt, their smile, their hair, or maybe the cool wheels that light up on the wheelchair - I miss those lights.  They were great conversation starters with children as they pointed to the wheels.  You may be the voice that sends them home with a better awareness of the God who sees them.

No is Not the Final Answer to Medically Necessary Treatments

Special needs parents take on more hats than we ever imagined, in areas that we aren't always naturally gifted in.  I'm so amazed at the strength and creativity that I have witnessed by so many of you amazing Moms and Dads.  I suppose the gift that God gave me for this journey is that of pleading a case and favor when pleading it. 

My first step is to always, always pray for favor over Ryan and my requests for him.  God can go to work on people before I ever meet them and before they even know Ryan's name.

I've found that the best strategy is to be diplomatic in pleading Ryan's case, not to mention far less stressful.  Many of the decision makers within Health and Human Services really do care about people, especially children.   

In our case, I was seeking services that were outside the norm, Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments for a child with a traumatic brain injury.  I really needed to help them by providing documentation to support any decision to go outside of what was considered acceptable among their medical peers. 

Initially, they allowed us to do a one month trial.  Unfortunately, the HBOT Medicaid Provider that was selected for the trial was not a fan of using his tax dollars to cover what he considered to be experimental.  He often lectured me on being careful with other people's money. In the end, he disagreed with coverage and DHHS didn't have the documentation they needed to decide in our favor, so they had no choice but to deny coverage.  I requested the denial in writing along with the appeals procedures.  Then I began building my case.  

Federal law requires the Department of Health and Human Services (Medicaid) to cover treatments that are medically necessary for children under the age of 21.  In our case, there is a tremendous amount of evidence to prove that Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments (HBOT) are helpful for individuals with brain injuries; however, there are also many medical professionals who are against it.  We needed to seek out credible witnesses and cases.

We found cases where parents in other states, like North Carolina and Florida, had won an appeal for coverage.  We also found clinical trials in Japan and Israel that documented improvements in patients with seizures (Japan) and patients with traumatic brain injuries (Israel).

We also documented Ryan's personal response to HBOT.  Though he had improvements in many areas, we chose to focus on seizure control since that is the hardest to dispute.  We maintained a log that detailed improvements and seizure control during HBOT sessions, and the lack of seizure control in the absence of treatments.   Additionally, during one period there was an alarming progression of seizures.  At its worst, he was either sleeping or having a seizure. He missed more than 45 days of school - without HBOT.

We asked medical professionals that work with Ryan to write letters detailing why they felt HBOT was "medically necessary" for him.  We obtained letters from his neurologist, physical therapist, speech therapist, and occupational therapist.  We also made copies of Ryan's IEP that noted improved attendance and performance following dives.

We made copies of all of our documentation with an index to make it easier for the hearing officer to follow.  We also provided a video of Ryan having a seizure and asked that it be watched during the hearing.  In the end, the hearing officer found our evidence to be credible and found in our favor.

Unfortunately, our request had been for one more month of HBOT, for further review, rather than for ongoing treatments.  Therefore, winning the hearing meant that we really just won one month of treatments.  After that month of treatments, the Department of Health and Humans Services approved six more months HBOT.  They also required that we (Mom and the neurologist) provide monthly logs and progress reports by the 5th of each month.  At the end of six months, we must provide an additional EEG and final report, which they will review to determine their opinion as to medical necessity.  If they say no, the appeals process will start again.

The follow-up EEG is scheduled for December 2014 and due to DHHS in early January 2015.

Praying for yes!  God bless!

You Have to Fortify!!!

Game nights amongst the Stewart women and their men are quite entertaining.  The men seem to be under the misguided impression that it is all about strategically and ethically dominating the score board; the ladies, not so much.  The ladies’ objective is always about cheating with just enough suspicion to antagonize the men while avoiding any concrete evidence to satisfy their accusations.

We don’t even care if we win as long as someone on “Team Woman” wins and we have the opportunity to watch male forehead veins pop out.  I wish at this point I could say that I’m not proud of our behavior but, in fact, I am quite proud of our escapades and have giggled with pride while writing this blog.

Our silly men think that not all games are meant to be “team games.”  My favorite reaction was from my husband when a fellow man asked what we ladies were giggling about.  Wes said, “Who knows.  They probably cheated again.  You can’t play a serious game with them.”   I speak on behalf of all the Stewart women, “We deem ‘Serious Game’ to be an oxymoron!” 

Our game play is most disturbing to my husband when we play a game of Risk, an unmercifully long game.  We don’t even have to cheat.  We just move from man to man ganging up on him until he or we are out of the game.  Spoken like a former Army Sergeant, my husband will say with a vein popping sigh, “You can’t just attack, attack, attack!  You have to fortify! You have to FORTIFY!” 

He is right.  As we attack, we inevitably destroy our army in the process.  Remember though, our intent was to promote success among Team Woman rather than to be the individual winner.  We don’t really care if we destroy our own strength in the process.

All of those memories were stirred, along with a life lesson, when I heard a speaker say, “There is something inside of women that fortifies us in the face of frustration, in the face of failure, in the face of fear, in the face of disappointments.  All of a sudden we bounce back again.”

Isaiah 40:31

“But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Those fun memories reminded me that in the journey of special needs parenting, I have to step back and make sure I’m only fighting the battles that God has called me to fight.  Alone I’m outgunned by Satan, by the insurance company, by the school, by fatigue, and by far too many demands to humanly meet.  I have to take time to sit in His presence and fortify my strength, hope and faith.  As I do, He fortifies me to the point of being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!

In the words of Sergeant Howell, “You can’t just attack, attack, attack.  You have to fortify!  You have to FORTIFY!!!

"Out of My Mind"

Slightly outside the realm of my typical posts but I wanted to pass along an excellent book for those who love, know, work with, or simply want to better understand a non-verbal child.  The book is "Out of My Mind" by Sharon Draper.  It is a fictional story about a non-verbal child who has severe cerebral palsy.  Though it is a fictional book there are many children in the same situation that are not fictional.  They know so much more than they can communicate.  It truly has changed some of the ways I interact with our little guy.  It may be one of the best awareness tools that I've ever seen.  Thank you Sharon Draper!!

Let's Do This

Very short and to the point this week.  As I continue to work my way through "A Praying Life," I'm finding that it truly is transforming my life into one that is routinely interrupted by prayer.  The more I pray about the overwhelming things of life, and the special needs life is full of them, the more my view of God's role has changed. 

Rather than being one of, "Lord please give ME the strength to do this." it has become one of, "Ok Father, let's do this."  HE never intended me to gain strength from Him in order to go off into my calling alone.  It has always been about taking HIS hand and doing things with HIM. All week I've had this picture of heading off into the world holding Dad's hand. Whew, what a relief this truth has been for me this week.

John 15:5

I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Twix? No Thanks - I'm Praying with Honesty

Do you remember the candy bar commercial where the child is embarrassing the parents by saying inappropriate things?  It was something like, “Daddy, his nose isn’t brown.” Or to the bride “My Mommy said she can’t believe you are wearing white.” The parent quickly shoves a candy bar in their mouth, a Twix bar I think.

That commercial came to mind last night as I was reading what is quickly becoming one of my favorite Bible studies, “A Praying Life” by Paul E. Miller. It truly is changing my prayer life. As I was making notes for this devotional, I could feel God nudging me to make my prayer life like the beginning stages of writing a devotional. The beginning stages basically consist of putting every thought or idea on paper. I don’t worry about the grammar, the flow, or editing out the bad ideas. Everything goes on the paper and then I sort it out.

So many times I’ve become frustrated while praying because the distractions and concerns of the world crowd in on my thoughts. If I had been sitting there talking with my Papaw I would have simply voiced them to see what he thought. Yet for some reason when they pop into my mind during prayer I waste time wrestling with pushing them away.

In his book, Paul E. Miller explains our problem with praying as, “What’s the problem? We’re trying to be spiritual, to get it right. We know we don’t need to clean up our act in order to become a Christian, but when it comes to praying, we forget that. We, like adults, try to fix ourselves up. In contrast, Jesus wants us to come to Him like little children, just as we are.”

I believe I will challenge myself, and you, to take the Twix bar out of His little girl’s (boy’s) mouth and speak freely. Of course, I do believe in praying the Word over our lives. But much like the sorting out phase of writing, those words come after we’ve gotten it all out on the table.

Ephesians 6:18 NIV

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Hmmm, I wonder if this can transform my prayer life from one that is always interrupted by life to a life that is always interrupted by prayer.

Casting Down Imaginations

By the end of our hyperbaric treatments, we may be calling Ryan “Stretch.” The pictures just don’t do his length justice. This was the stretching time just after Tuesday's morning dive, dive 22. I can’t believe how tall he is. Even just sitting in his wheelchair he seems so much taller and stronger. Ryan isn’t the only one being stretched in this process.

The time in the chamber is stretching me as well. I’m feeling more and more accomplished at 2 Corinthians 10: 4 – 5 with every passing treatment in the small chamber.

2 Corinthians 10: 4 - 5

“(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

We “chamber parents” have talked about how we could let our minds take us to a state of panic if we didn’t stop them, if we don’t quickly take those anxious thoughts into captivity. While in the confined little chamber it is easy to start thinking about all of the what-ifs. What if the power goes out? What if the technicians left or something happened to them? ......WE'RE TRAPPED!!!!!!

When I briefly entertained those thoughts, I could almost feel my heart rate increase and my chest tighten, leading to a sudden difficulty in breathing. Now that is some imagination, creating difficulty in breathing while in a chamber packed with 100% oxygen.

To ward off those thoughts, I quickly became a fan of Nick Jr., the channel Ryan seems to like best while in the chamber. Miss Spider in Sunny Patch is my favorite. Does anyone else think that maybe the character of Miss Spider’s son, Bounce, might be based on Ryan?

Ok, praying that HBOT will assist with my self-diagnosed ADD.  Back to my "casting down imaginations" point, I pray that I will be able to keep those casting down muscles stretched out and remember what I have learned in the chamber:

1) When my heart begins to race from the what-ifs of life, I need to redirect my attention, not to Sunny Patch, but to God’s word. The most powerful word seems to be whatever He has spoken to me recently. He speaks and what He speaks is relevant to where I am today or where I’m headed so I need to write it down and reflect on it.

2) I’ve realized that when it gets hot in the chamber and Ryan is sprawled across me it triggers anxiety. That has me thinking about the anxiety triggers in life that I need to avoid – fatigue and failing to have quiet time with God are at the top of the list.

.....speaking of fatigue, I better do some avoiding of that anxiety trigger - Good night!  ; )

Greater Things Are Still To Come.....

Just a brief testimony today…….

I have been out of town with our son, Ryan, for hyperbaric oxygen treatments since 6/15. In the last few days I’ve struggled with being a little tired and homesick, missing Wes and Ems.  But….

Psalm 30:5

For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts for a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

This morning on our way back to the hotel after the 1^st of 2 dives today, I looked back at Ryan and realized how tall and big he looks in his car seat.  Often, due to Cerebal Palsy, he tends to curl into more of a “baby” position.  But today, he is stretched out and looking tall and strong; he is looking like an inquisitive seven year old little boy.

I was also thinking about our dive this morning.  Until today, Ryan had not had much interest in anything outside of the chamber.  But he looked up and saw Ms. Susan and did a double take.  He made eye contact, grinned at her, and watched her walk back across the room.

As I was thinking about the above two praise reports the radio was playing “There is noone like our God.”  I couldn’t help but tear up and think, “No, not one!”  Then the rest of the verse hit home to me:

Greater things are yet to come.  Greater things are still to be done in this City. 

Yep, more tears.  This is most definitely a “to be continued” blog!!  I can’t wait to report on the greater things that will be done in this city.  Thank you all for praying for us.  We will be taking tomorrow off and meeting up half way with Dad and Sis for the afternoon (Praise God!!)  But after that, 2 dives a day until 7/6/11.

Don't Judge a City by the Metro

Our experience with the NYC Metro System is still speaking to me. Though Emily and I never really mastered the Metro, we did get better over time with finding our way around. We basically got better at correcting our mistakes and our first mistake was a doosy.

We were going from Flushing to Coney Island, or so we thought. We pulled our map out as discreetly as possible. Maybe we were a little too discreet because even after looking at it we still didn’t realize that we were headed in the wrong direction. The kind lady sitting next to me nonchalantly asked where we were going. We proudly said, “Coney Island.” In a very low, calm voice she said, “You are going in the wrong direction. You are in the Bronx. You need to get off at the next stop, cross over, and get onto the D, D as in Delta, D.”

The man across from her wasn’t nearly as gracious and loudly bellowed several times that we were a lonnnnnnng way from Coney Island that we had about an hour’s ride back to the other end. But our gracious new friend just kept quietly and calmly saying, “D, D as in Delta, D.” We did as she instructed and made it there safely.

Throughout the rest of our trip we struggled to figure out where we were based on the dark, ugly, dirty, blazingly hot, underbelly of New York City. Just when I would start dreaming about being at home sitting on our couch, we would make our way out and find a new beautiful view of something like Central Park or Time Square.

That feels much like a metaphor for our lives lately. Sometimes it seems that things go from bad to worse and it is difficult to see where God is going with all of this. In fact, I can feel just as lost in this journey as I did in NYC. Yet there is this excited expectation of what is to come. We routinely experience beautiful moments and evidence of God’s favor but God seems to keep reinforcing that something greater is coming.

My mind keeps turning to one of the most quoted verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,“ declares the Lord, ”Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As I was finishing up this blog, I listened to a sermon by Pastor Carr at Central Church of God on “Making IT Look Easy, Joy.” His definition of Joy reinforced all that I’ve felt God was saying this week. He said,

“Joy is the habitual celebration of victory regardless of the way things appear.”

If you are facing tough times just remember that the ugly stuff around you is just a Metro System that is taking you to a beautiful place. A place filled with stronger hope and faith than you’ve ever had before.



Central Church has some excellent sermons on line at http://centralchurchhhi.com/message-library.php.

Follow These Commands That All May Be Well

Last week my husband graciously agreed to watch Little Man, Ryan, while I went with our daughter, Emily, to New York City to celebrate her high school graduation. Because of health concerns, Ryan comes with a long list of do’s and don’ts. As I was preparing this list for my husband, I kept thinking about Deuteronomy 12:28, “…Observe and hear all these words which I command thee, that it may go well with thee….” I suggested that he watch “Gremlins” if he felt the urge to deviate from the plan.

Ryan is on a very strict diet to control seizures and must remain in ketosis. So, even one extra spoonful of carbohydrates, or the wrong carbohydrates, can lead to a seizure, cycles of nausea, anxiety, tears, and hours of beyond crankiness for all involved. Wes used to think that I was exaggerating; however, one rough night can make you a believer in the commandments of Ryan. I must say, he followed the plan beautifully.

I missed Ryan and Wes but on the way home from our trip I began to feel this sadness at the thought of returning to all that is on my plate. Of course, that doesn’t include being mom and wife – that I love. What I didn’t enjoy returning to was my work load, financial concerns, advocating for basic human decency, dead-end research into supplements and therapies, and lots of stuff that may or may not be a part of God’s plan for me. I could feel the tears welling up so I began to remind God that He said HE came that we might have life and have it to the full. He began to remind me of John 10.

….the sheep listen to His voice….

….the sheep follow Him…..

It seems that maybe I should be the one reminded to observe His commands that it may go well with me like “seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” I don’t know why it is such a struggle for me to stay on track with that daily quiet time or praying before taking on something new. Sometimes I’m like that cartoon dog trucking along saying, “Stay on the path. Stay on the path. Stay on the......CAT!!!!!!” Then I’m off track chasing after something that I haven’t taken time to pray about.

A mother's desire to see her children find fullness of life can easily lead to a mentality of leaving no stone unturned, especially in a health crisis. However, our enemy is the master deceiver who can steal, kill, and destroy our quality of life by strategically placing "stones" in our path. So, it seems that all I need to do to find life to the full is to just listen and follow Him.

John 10:3-5

The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to His voice. He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all His own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice.

Above - Ryan as we follow the plan....below Ryan when we've messed the plan up.  Time to reevaluate the plan I'm following for myself since I'm feeling a little more like the picture below.  How is your plan? Which picture best describes your level of peace? 

Waste Not, Want Not

Ah, the things we’re told that are scriptural. Our daughter used to tell us all about James chapter 15. Yes, I know, James only has five chapters but it was always entertaining to hear what she would come up with. She knew that it was a joke and that I didn’t believe her but we still had fun with it. “Moooooommmmmm, you know what James chapter 15 says?” I would humor her and ask her what it said. “It says parents obey your children.” or “Parents, give your kids chocolate.” There was always something new followed by her giggle.

I’ve heard people quote the Bible as saying, “Waste not, want not.” I knew it didn’t say that verbatim so I had dismissed it as being just a fairly wise thought. But this weekend I felt like God was saying that to me. It was in a far different context than I had ever thought of it. It all started with feeling lead to take communion more regularly as a reminder of who is in control of my life and who is not. God is in control, I am not. God is in control, Satan is not.

One morning as I was taking communion, I kept remembering scenes from The Passion of The Christ, along with on overwhelming feeling of “Waste not, want not.” With each heartbreaking scene, I began to realize that every time I entertain thoughts of anxiety, doubt, negativity, condemnation, or bitterness I’m just wasting the gifts that HE paid so dearly for.

WASTE
adjective
–verb (used with object)
2. to fail or neglect to use: to waste an opportunity.

2 Corinthians 10:5

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought to obedience of Christ.

What are you wasting today? The way you finish the following sentence may be a key indicator of your area of waste. “Ow, no! What if…………………….”

Ow Me of Little Faith

Thank you all for praying and please continue to remember our family. While waiting to see how all of the resent struggles will work out for our good, I’ve felt like God wanted me to pile up some “stones” to remind me of all that He has done for us in the past. “Ow Me of Little Faith” is the first of those stones.

Joshua 4: 6 - 7

“.... Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them......”

Ow Me of Little Faith  

Matthew 18:3

And He said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

With Emily graduating soon, I find myself reminiscing about her kindergarten days. There are even days when I have to do a double take as I see those huge, brown eyes still filled with such child like faith that she looks like my little kindergartener all over again.

With the exception of a very tough time of testing, she has always seemed to have this excitement about approaching her God. She goes to Him with the same assurance and confidence that she used to have when bounding through the door as the ice cream truck made its way into our neighborhood. She was so confident that she didn't just come seeking one dollar for herself.  She often brought a friend, or two or three, and asked for dollars for the ice cream truck.

I remember when “ow me of little faith” was worried that she would be disappointed when God didn’t let her take the day off from school. She kept asking if we could skip school and work for the day. Normally, she loved to go to school but she really had her heart set on staying home that day.

Just like every other morning, we prayed in the car on the way to school. I reached back to hold her hand and prayed over our day. Normally, she would end her prayer with, "Mommy, you didn't close your eyes." and then giggle at the thought of me driving and closing my eyes.  This time though she prayed, “And God pleeeeeaaaassssssssse let me go back home today.” As we pulled into the parking lot, I tried to explain to her that I had a lot of work to do and apologized for not being able to take her back home.

I’m sure God must have been amused with me as I drove to work praying that she wouldn’t be too disappointed when He didn’t answer her prayer the way she wanted. I had barely made it into work when I received the school’s call saying, “We’re sorry but the power has gone out and it is too cold for the children to stay. You need to come back and take Emily home.”

That child giggled all the way home. That was the day that “ow me of little faith” realized my child could go over my head straight to God anytime she wanted. But it also served as a challenge to me to approach God with the same excitement and confidence - not a confidence that He will give me what I want but a confidence that He loves me and wants me to share all of my concerns and desires with Him.

I’ve had lots of little nagging concerns in the back of my mind lately. Reminiscing about Emily’s prayers have made me realize that I really need to bring all of those little nagging thoughts to Him. I’m still working on creating a habit of bringing everything to Him; but I must say that as relieved as I was to give it all to Him last night, I just can’t imagine that this will be a difficult habit to dive into.

Now What? Worship!!

Whew, rough rough week but thankful I came back across this lesson God taught me at the beginning of our son's health struggles.  I hope it will enourage anyone else that has had a rough week.  And please keep our little guy, Ryan, in your prayers as he struggles with seizures this week.  ....next week I hope to write about how God used all of the tough stuff this week for our good.....as He often does.

Now What?  Worship!!!!

What can you do after a doctor gives your child a diagnosis that seems to drain every ounce of energy out of your body? There’s a sense of urgency that you have to do something, and fast. But you don’t understand half of what they are saying let alone even begin to know what to do about it? Job went through something much worse than a health issue with a child; he actually lost all of his children. I had to see what a godly parent would do in the face of such grief.

Job 1:20

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshipped.

Of course! He worshipped. Although worship wasn’t the first thing on my mind, it should have been. I’ve watched children worship and witnessed the power of His presence. I’ll never forget bringing the neighborhood children into our house for Kidz Blast, a Bible club. We talked about how lifting our hands during worship was like giving God a hug and how we close our eyes so we won’t be distracted. There were about eight children and at the end of our worship song their eyes were as wide as saucers. I quietly asked, “Do you feel that?” No one spoke; they all just nodded their heads in wide-eyed agreement.

I’ve also watched children, labeled as ADHD, stand quietly with all of their attention on Him, worshipping. I don’t know whether they all truly have attention deficits, but I do know that there are no deficits as they stand in His presence and worship. Many times we adults also seem to have a deficit in our attentiveness to Him, especially during a crisis, which can only be corrected in worship.

We tell the kids every Sunday that praise is about thanking God for all that He has done for us and worship is about thanking Him for who He is. It makes sense that the first thing we should do when facing fear, grief, doubt, anger, and hopelessness is to remember Who He is. Only in worship can we redirect our attention to the One that can give us peace and strength.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Yet......

Yet.....

Such a pretty word!  Three little letters that can completely discount any negatives faced throughout the day, week, or even years.   There was darkness for three days; yet the Israelites had light in the places they lived (Exodus 10:23). The Israelites wondered around in the wilderness for 40 years; yet their clothes never wore out, nor did the sandals on their feet (Deuteronomy 29:5). 

My job was eliminated yet God provided a better job.  We couldn’t afford to take Ryan for hyperbaric oxygen treatments; yet friends raised all the funds we needed to take him in June.  Insurance placed limits on Ryan’s therapy that reduced his therapy to far less than he needed yet God gave us favor and the additional visits were approved. 

Matthew 28:8

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell His disciples.

Lamentations 3:21-22

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.

Habakkuk 3: 18

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

On the flip side there is the word wait, which isn’t nearly as pretty. Sometimes the impact of yet is preceded by wait.

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.

Psalm 33:20

We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.

No matter how painful, no matter how overwhelming, no matter how scary - your situation can turn around with one beautiful yet.

…….we wait in hope for the Lord and HisYet that is to come; He is our help, our shield and our Yet.

Easter Just Shouts of God's Love For Us

A little more than 7 years ago, I sat in a movie theatre with my husband watching “The Passion of The Christ.” As I was leaving the theatre with an overwhelming heaviness, all I could think about was, “God, the Cross was more than we deserved. Why the horrific beating to pay for our healing? I would have just made us wait until eternity for healing.” I think that God wanted that part to stand out to me as an encouragement for the coming years.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

He knew that in less than a month our unborn child would suffer a stroke. He knew that his stroke would lead to seizures, visual impairment, Cerebral Palsy, and developmental delays. I think He was saying, “Take heart! Here’s a gift of hope to pull you through this difficult time. I have overcome the world, cerebral palsy, visual impairments, and seizures. Here is a gift of peace; hold onto it.”

Some would say, “Why did He allow His own Son suffer? Why didn’t He prevent Ryan’s stroke?” Some even focus on the wrath of God over the love of God. I have questioned God at times but it seems we should question ourselves rather than God.

I’m not a great theologian but when Jesus cries out, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” I wonder if God the Father was looking away in an effort to contain the wrath of a Father whose heart was breaking for His Son – a Son who was perfect in every way.

If God, at His greatest moment of pain, was able to allow His love to control His wrath then isn’t His love far greater than His wrath? If God could wait for His Son to pay the full price for our son, then shouldn’t I be able to thankfully and patiently wait for this gift to be displayed in his life.

If God was willing to suffer more than we can even comprehend to give us more than we could ever deserve, who are we to question Him? And yet – He graciously takes our questions and uses them to lovingly teach us.

Perception Deception

One of the ways I know God is speaking to me is that He keeps bringing the same question or word to my mind until I sit down and follow His lead. This week the word is “perceive.” It all started when Emily and I were laughing about my van and its many noises. I was telling her that the squeaks must scare people because now people seem to scurry across the street much quicker these days when they are in front of me. She said, “Mom! It’s not the squeaking! It’s the sound of the engine revving like you are going to run over them!”


I’m the only one who is still willing to drive the van so I’m only used to the interior noises. Apparently, it is idling high and sounds like I’m on the verge of road rage to pedestrians. I began to think about other misperceptions of the Howell family.

Once when Wes was in the Army, we were being transferred from Ft. Bragg to Ft. Lewis. We went to Las Vegas on the way. With all of the lights and things to see, Wes incorrectly perceived the slope in the white sidewalk to be an entrance into The Mirage. Much to the dismay of the Asian sightseers with their brown sandals, white socks, and expensive cameras, he had no other option but to turn left onto the sidewalk. When I saw their faces and heard the string of foreign obscenities, I dove to the floor to spare my dignity.

To fall in line with his day of incorrect perceptions he belted out, “What are you doing in the floor?!? Get up here! I look stupid up here alone!” How someone sitting in the passenger seat hysterically laughing at him could somehow make him look intelligent as he drove through the Asians is beyond me. I correctly perceived that he could look stupid alone or we could look stupid together. Either way, a personal sacrifice of my own dignity would not alter his perceived intelligence in any way, shape, or form.

With all of the fallacies of our understanding of even the simple things, there is no wonder God felt the need to give us Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

Even though He often reminds me of Proverbs 3:5, I still find myself fretting over the what-ifs or trying to imagine a plan that works all of our circumstances out for our good. Thankfully, God is helping me to grow stronger at resisting the thoughts that go against His Word.

In light of our family’s perception track record, the thought of depending on our own understanding makes our driving issues look intelligent.  We’ve actually made God’s Proverbs 3:5 case for Him. How can such limited minds, however self-imposed some limitations may be, correctly perceive the detailed plans of such a limitless God?

My Provision Will Never Run Out??

So many things in 1 Kings 17 and 18 seem to be jumping off the page at me lately.  Today it is the widow at Zarepath (1 Kings 17:7-16).  I can't help but wonder if she doubted the Word of God that came from Elijah.  Can you imagine what people this day and age would say?  Really? This jar of flour and jug of oil is going to last me until it rains again. Please!

She knew how much was in there.  She had already decided that there was only enough to make one last loaf of bread and that they were then destined to die of starvation.  I wonder if it was said with the over dramatization of Scarlet O'Hara, like I've often done. 

As a reformed (or nearly reformed) control freak, I've looked at our checking account and wondered how in the world things would work out.  As I drive a van with  more warning lights than a 747 (ok - slight exaggeration Ms. O'Hara), I sometimes wonder if it will really last until He provides another.

With each new expense or new van noise I think, "It must be about to rain soon."  But regardless, the provision in the flour jar and oil jug are just as impressive as the coming rain.

I love you Jehovah Jireh, my Provider...even when you have me working on a need to know basis.

No Habla Christianese

So, the picture above isn’t exactly about today’s post. It was more about being finished with NASA way WAY before Wes was and about being over the Titanic history lesson during our 4 day Disney Cruise. “Imagine this dining room under water. Wow, imagine this theatre being under water.” I preferred to imagine a vacation without depressing thoughts. Anyway, I added the picture because it is as close as I can come to the thoughts I have about mysterious, overused, Christianese slogans.


My husband and I have sworn off the “religious debates.” They really aren’t productive. Wes is right about one thing though (ok, maybe more than one.) He has often told me that Christians speak a language that no one understands. I didn’t realize how correct he was until we went through our daughter’s migraines and son’s seizures/cerebral palsy. It made me realize how ridiculous some of my own advice must have been to those who were hurting.

One Sunday after a rough week of seizures and sleepless nights, one poor soul had the unfortunate opportunity to “counsel” me. He came up to me and said, “Now Ms. Anita, you just need to leave it at the altar.” I did keep my mouth shut and attempt a fake smile but I am not good at hiding my feelings. If he were even remotely good at reading body language he would have heard, “Look Bucko! You know what I want to leave at the altar…YOU, YOU are what I want to leave at the altar.” Then there was a whole string of Madea mutterings all the way out to the car. “Did you sleep through the night? Yes, yes you did. Did you hold your child while the seized in your arms. No, no you didn’t. Tell me……boy I will knock you out!”

Ah, another one that I love, “Let go and let God.” My thoughts have been no more godly on those responses, “How about I let go and knock you out!” Before you e-mail and lecture me, let me just say that those thoughts came at a very painful time for our family. And though you may find theology to back them up, a person in pain isn’t prepared for a theological lecture.

Finally, I began to figure out why those comments were so bothersome to me when I saw the frustration on our daughter’s face after she had been told that she just needed to “give it to God.” She had been struggling with some gigantic past hurts and that comment really wasn’t helpful at all. I could see the frustration in her face. I knew the feeling well, “What if I can’t figure out how to do that? What then? Will I just always hurt like this?”

Comments like that increase the pressure because they sound like we are in control of ending our pain. They imply that our enormous pain won’t leave until we get it right and take these mysterious, illusive actions: “Let go and let God.” Or “Give it to God.” Or “Leave it at the altar.”

We aren’t in charge of fixing our pain. We need the God of restoration. We need the Great Physician. He is the only one that can fix our broken-heart and heal our pain. What I wish someone had said to me was, “Anita, when you are afraid or hurting just keep asking God to take it from you and in time, little by little, He will. Every time those thoughts come in start praying and ask God to stop them.” That puts the burden back on God’s shoulders rather than our own. Our responsibility is to keep coming to Him and asking that He take it away. There’s nothing mysterious about that. I know how to talk. I know how to ask for help.

Oh, and I would like to apologize for any lame advice that I gave during my pre-trial days. I am very very sorry.

Becoming a Voice for the Children

I traveled to Columbia last week with a friend for the Disability Advocacy Day. We knew that it could be an emotional day but we didn’t know it would start so soon. As we were walking in we were behind a group of special needs adults. The two in the picture above particularly stood out to us. They will most likely challenge me to be a better person for a long time to come.

The gentleman with the cane remained quiet throughout the walk but his perseverance was inspiring. Though it obviously took tremendous effort with streets to cross, slops to navigate, and steps to watch out for, he never complained and diligently plugged away. Of course he didn’t have to talk, his friend, the other gentleman in the picture, was on the job.

He watched and reported every hazard along the way. I’m at a loss on how to describe the love and compassion in his voice as he announced each slop, step, or the fear that his friend’s shoe was coming off. And as any good advocate would do, he bellowed out for the group to wait when he saw his friend was being left behind.

His voice keeps running through my mind. Even when he bellowed to the group to wait there was no animosity or even the slightest irritation at the group for having left his friend. The next time I would hear such a compassionate voice would be while being on the verge of tears after stopping by Governor Haley’s office.

When we stopped by her office, we heard that a mom was waiting to see the Governor. Governor Haley visited her town the week before, after a fire had destroyed a factory. While there the father had spoken with the Governor and mentioned that his wife would be in Columbia for Disability Advocacy Day. The Governor asked him to have his wife stop by her office to see her.

We were very excited that she wanted to hear about our children. Sadly though, word was sent out through a staff member that she was busy and that her entire day was booked. No time had been set aside for our children even on the annual Disability Advocacy Day when 600 people planned to visit Columbia. The next scene was like something out of a movie.

I guess the lioness rose up in the mamas and we united as if we were all lifelong friends. I don’t remember all that was said but it ended with, “What could be more important than the quality of life of THIS CHILD or this one?” Then Moms around the room began repeating one after another, “Or this one.” “Or this one.” “Or these two.”

As we walked away discouraged, I once again heard the voice of peace-making compassion. It was a different gentleman but the same indescribable voice. He confidently blocked my exit by reaching out to shake my hand. While holding my hand, he began sounding out the name on what he thought was my name tag, a “Support the Ways and Means Proposal” sticker. “Is your name S, S, Susan?” Un-phased by the phonetic impossibility that Anita was written on my sticker, he loudly voiced his desire for me to have a good day. Little did he know that he had single-handedly made that possible and, in an instant, moved me from tears of disappointment to tears of joy.

I started out this journaling time by asking God how I could best speak for special needs children. Though I had hoped to speak with our Governor during our trip, I think the trip was about my learning how to be a better voice. So with these wonderful voices of love and compassion as my example, I pray that I will be able to follow the advice of King Lemuel’s mother in Proverbs 31: 8 – 9 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

Our children are facing Medicaid cuts that could dramatically affect their quality of life, not just for the present but throughout their lifetime. If we are forced to choose between occupational, physical, or speech therapy we are, in essence, choosing whether our children will be able to feed themselves, have healthy posture, or be able to communicate their needs and desires. These are choices that no parent should have to make.

Other than God, our Governor wields the most power in approving or declining cuts to the Medicaid budget. I pray that our voices will effectively, with love and compassion, call Governor Haley to follow the advice of King Lemuel’s mother as well.

You Could Be On Your Third Set of Jars

Why does God let things get worse before they get better? Will they ever really get better? When things get worse is God mad at me? Have I failed? Is there hope? When I face obstacles does it mean God loves me less than those who "seem" to have unlimited favor? Maybe an answer to a bigger question resolves all of the “why” questions.    .....are increasing obstacles a really a sign of decreasing potential or could they just be a countdown to a move of God?

1 Kings 18: 33 – 35 NIV

“….Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.” “Do it again,” he said and they did it again. “Do it a third time,” he ordered and they did it the third time. The water ran down and around the altar and even filled the trench.”

God lets things get worse so that there is no doubt that He is God. It is the modern day Mount Carmel challenge. “If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal is god, follow him.” All of those jars of water left no doubt that with man, Baal, and any other false god, a fire was impossible. Baal wasn’t even able to ignite the drought dried wood on his altar. Only with The One True God was this possible.

One of the differences in our modern day Mt Carmel moments might be that we aren’t as in touch with what God is doing. So, we become distracted by our need for “fairness”, especially when the odds seem to be stacked against us. Elijah was so in touch with God that he actively took part in tipping the scales of fairness in Baal’s favor. He himself ordered the jars of water added onto his altar.

His confidence in God has me now thinking of negative comments, like that of Dr. Fancy Pants, as a good thing. Yes, finally the third set of jars that completely eliminates the world’s ability to take credit for God’s work in Ryan’s progress. Now the empty checking account, broken head gasket, $50,000 price tag for a van with a lift are all good indicators that we are entering our third set of jars season. I fully recognize and admit that our needs are well beyond our own ability to meet, medically and financially.

Though we are still seeing the third set of jars poured out in our lives, like Elijah, I can hear the sound of rain and even see the small cloud, “the size of a man’s hand” in the distance. It brings a sense of relief because I know that the battle is not mine but the Lord’s. Whew!! I was tired of fighting and it is exciting to know that the best is yet to come. ;)

1 Kings 18: 38 – 39

Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. When all of the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried,

“The Lord – He is God! The Lord – He is God!”