Go to THE Decision Maker

This has been a long month of stretching. I keep thinking about a lesson HE taught me during the rough IEP days. An IEP is an Individual Education Plan for special needs children in the public school system. Parents will agree when I say that Intensively Exhausting Plan would be a more appropriate description. The meetings are often stressful and emotionally draining.

Almost since Ryan entered school, the team wanted to remove occupational and speech therapy services. They felt they weren’t seeing enough improvements to justify their time. Thankfully, time has shown that theory to be invalid. He is making great progress. However, because the meetings were often heated and drawn out, I had always been fearful that I would fail him by losing his services. One late night all of that changed.

I was reading the law and came across the “stay put” clause. It said that if there was an item that the team wanted to change and the parent disagreed that it must stay in place until the parents had exhausted the dispute process. I jumped up from the computer, danced around while Wes and Emily looked on in bewilderment.

Just minutes into my “stay put” rap, God dealt with me. Instantly I felt ashamed that I had never jumped up once over promises I had found in God’s Word. In fact, I seemed to find more comfort in the protections of the law than I did His Word.

Now our battle has moved from education to Medicaid. Our state, South Carolina, has opted to balance the budget by dramatically reducing therapy services that our children desperately need while spending money to start a new "stop smoking" campaign. With the budget changing mid-year, children, like Ryan, who have gone over the new limit will be forced to go without physical, occupational, and speech therapy services for five months.

I find myself anxious about getting Governor-elect Haley to see the irreparable damage that could come from such a decision. I’m running speeches through my head constantly. “Physical therapy keeps him from losing the movement that he has, movement that prevents the look of depression in his eyes, movement that allows him to sit up straight and see his world rather than curling into an isolated lonely position. Speech therapy strengthens muscles, muscles that keep him from aspirating and developing pneumonia.”

After a rough conversation with a very disinterested Luke Rankin and a rude “gentleman” online, I was an emotional wreck. I now realize that I’m putting more confidence in our “decision makers” than I am in The Decision Maker. His Word says that it will never return void. His Word says no weapon formed against our children shall prosper. His Word says, God has plans for our children, plans to bring them a hope and a future. His Word says that all things work together for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. The laws may change but my God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. My favorite this week:

Psalm 41:1

Blessed are those who have regard for the weak;

The Lord delivers them in times of trouble.

If you want to help give our children a voice, please join us on Facebook by searching “SC Medicaid Crisis – Help Our Children.” And above all, please go to The Decision Maker on behalf of our children. God Bless!!!!

Every Knee Shall Bow

There is one worship song that has been extremely difficult to sing since Ryan’s stroke, until recently that is. It is the line about how “every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.” It just seemed to be a reminder of how cerebral palsy had robbed Ryan of that ability. I was so wrong.


After all, God uses what we do physically to remind us of what we should be doing spiritually. Early on, even our Pastor had tried to help me see that a physical inability to bow and worship God was far better than a spiritual inability to bow and worship. At the time though, thoughts of the diagnosis and our future were too overwhelming to really hear what he was saying. One day this past July, the picture became clear and I finally understood what he had been trying to show me.

We were at Miracle Mountain for hyperbarics and had just finished a long day of two hyperbaric treatments and two sessions of sound therapy. As we started the thirty minute trip into town, we were listening to “How Great Is Our God.” Thinking that Ryan had gone to sleep, I was singing along until his loud squeal startled me. I looked back and the face in this picture is what I saw. A child with his heart completely bowed and a tongue that was confessing how much he loved his Great God.

Though I hadn’t seen it earlier, Ryan had been confessing far longer than I realized. At church during praise and worship, he would squeal and I would try to quiet him. But either Mr. Freddie or Ms. Jean would correct me saying, “You leave him alone! He is trying to praise his God.” Mr. Freddie even told me one time, “If someone has a problem with it you tell them to come see me!” Ms. Jean told Ryan, “Ryan, I’m going to have to take your Mom out if she doesn’t leave you alone.”

Now I have no doubt that his heart is bowed and confesses Jesus Christ as Lord. I no longer think about physical disabilities when I hear that song but spiritual disabilities. I can’t help but wonder what our world would be like if everyone had the spiritual ability to bow and worship the way Ryan so loves to do.

Ryan's Birthday Through Emily's Eyes....grab a tissue!!

My beautiful Emily with her prized vintage find.  Emily has been busy writing essays for college and scholarship applications.  I am more and more amazed with each new essay.  I'm working on her about sharing some of the others but she agreed to let me share this one.  For her college English course, she has a creative writing assignment where they were challenged to be very descriptive.  She chose to tell about Ryan's birthday from her perspective as a 10 year old.  Sometimes I forget just how young she was.

Because Ryan's heartrate would come to a complete stop with each contraction, I was rushed into an emergency surgery.  Unfortunately, Emily was left with the hospital staff until Wes could arrive.  Here is what she experienced.

Premature

I thought this was supposed to be a fun day. I thought the excitment alone from this moment was supposed to start a chain reaction ending in fuzzy home videos, tears of joy, and a sloppy wet kisses from my grandparents.


I sit alone in this desolate waiting room over powered by the smell of sterilized needles and lit up with flickering exit signs that seem to be screaming at me to take the hint, “exit!” I wipe my sweaty palms across the rough texture of my jeans and try to make sense of the 10,000 thoughts bouncing around my head like a pin-ball machine. Attempting to calm myself I tap my feet to the rapid beat of the heart monitors, but unfortunately I am not successful at ignoring the Brady Bunch that is so happily interrogating me and offering me sugery red peppermints. When I make a run for it I see him, my little brother.

He seems to be slipping through the nurses’ hands and my ears are pierced by the deafening silence. He isn’t moving. He isn’t crying. His life in this world has come to a stand still after just seconds. His chest is caving in deeper and deeper with each breath, like a marathon winner trying to stabalize his heart rate after running 20 miles by breathing through a straw. I look through the finger-print stained glass at this tiny body that is supposed to be my brother. Finally, I see his chest raise and he lets out the most beautiful cry.

They have been inseparable since that day.   She is his biggest fan and he is hers, next to Mom of course.  The year is off on the picture; they were taken in 2005, almost a year and a half after he rocked our world.

James, Our Early Christmas Gift

We absolutely love the Christmas season. No matter how tough things seem to be, the season of hope stirs our faith. In fact, when I feel a sudden surge of faith, hope, and joy I tend to start humming Christmas songs, even if it happens to be July.  So, this year on election-day we elected to start the Christmas season early, after voting of course. While my husband was at work and the kids were home from school, we pulled all of the decorations down from the attic.  Just seeing our decorations reminds me of a wonderful angel of a guy we met one year while decorating. Here is his story.

James, Our Early Christmas Gift

With Christmas coming I decided (actually my husband decided for me) that today was the day I needed to weed through some toys. No big deal, or so I thought. As I began to sort out the ones that he had technically outgrown without ever using, it began to tug at my heart. I love my little guy and he is absolutely perfect in my eyes but it breaks my heart to think he is missing out on his childhood. I thought I was fine until Wesley asked me what I was doing. Then came the tears; I felt foolish and quickly snapped to.

Several hours later we met this wonderful, precious, angel of a guy. His name is James. He knocked on our door at about 7:40pm. I opened the door expecting to see my brother who is six feet tall. Instead, I found James - a little tiny man, maybe 17 years old, 4’ 5”, big blue eyes, slightly crooked posture, and the most sincere face I’d ever seen. He stood there in the cold wearing tennis shoes, jeans, a long sleeve shirt, and ball cap.

He hoped that he wasn’t bothering me; typically sales people absolutely bother me but for some reason he didn’t at all. He was working towards earning points for a contest for people with disabilities where they would be given the opportunity to obtain a $5,000.00 prize to start their own business. In a low voice he whispered, “Ask me how.” I did and he loudly proclaimed, “I’m glad you asked!” I know it sounds very much like a typical sales pitch but it just didn’t feel like it at all. I laughed and invited him in, which I never do.

Instantly he had the undivided attention of the whole Howell family. He had his little list of magazines. Unfortunately, you had to buy at least 36 issues and that was more than we could afford. But that was ok with James because he was just enjoying getting to know us. He pretended to be proud that he could instantly spot a biker, my husband, and then grinned and said the black and orange Harley Davidson jacket also helped, quickly adding that he was adoptable. He stayed about 15 minutes since it was cold outside and the company would be sending someone for him at 8:00.

He asked if there was anything fun to do in the area and we made a few suggestions. He asked about bowling alleys and my husband explained there was one about two miles from our house. I was even more impressed - you see his bones appeared to be slightly twisted and he walked with a limp. I wondered if I would have even tried to bowl.

Still feeling badly that I couldn’t buy a magazine, I asked if we could pay for a couple of games of bowling. He said, “Ow, thank you but I can’t. You see that’s called panhandling and you can go to jail for that. I’m way too cute to go to jail.” That he was!

He asked my husband if he had an extra toboggan and, as God would have it, he and our daughter had found one in the attic just that afternoon when pulling down the Christmas decorations. James put the toboggan on and said that if he ever won a million dollars that we would be the first ones he thought of. He said, “I’d probably just give it all away. Who needs it anyway as long as you have love? God bless you!” and out the door he went.

After he left we were all speechless and just smiled at each other, knowing we had been blessed by meeting this very special person….and I don’t mean special needs person - just Special. As I sit here and type, I wonder how often his mother must have prayed for her baby boy’s body to stand tall, straight, and strong. Often enough I suppose since his character is definitely standing tall, straight, and strong. But then I can just hear James saying, “Who needs straight bones as long as you have love? God bless you!”

Maybe God sent this angel to show me that if Ryan could he might tell me, “Who needs to play with these toys as long as you have love?” God made Hebrews 13:2 very personal in my life that night.

 

I wish James knew what an impact he had on me. His faith and hope were contagious and I hope ours is as well. Maybe so since one week after starting our early Christmas season my brother sent me a text saying, “Look what you started.” Love ya Little Brother!!

Do I Have Enough Faith?

Many times I’ve wondered if I just didn’t have enough faith for Ryan’s complete healing to arrive in a great suddenly. Others have wondered as well asking, “Are you fasting? Are you tithing?” But in our defense, His word does tell us that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed then nothing is impossible. It also tells us that He is no respecter of persons; He doesn’t play favorites. And He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So why is it that this mountain seemingly can’t be moved? Much like any other lesson, He answered it with another question – an enlightening, ahhhhh question.

What takes more faith, an immediate healing or a healing that comes in His perfect timing - even if that perfect timing is months or years down the road? His Word tells us that Jesus healed them all regularly, though they were of varying ages. Some, like the woman with the issue of blood, waited years and were healed as adults while others, like Jairus’ daughter, were healed as children.

As time has gone on, I think that it isn’t so much about having enough faith to make something move immediately. It is more about having enough faith to wait, enough faith to believe through the waiting period, enough faith to ask and keep asking, knock and keep knocking, seek and keep seeking.

I must confess that I dropped the ball many times on praying for healing. I felt like God was going to do what He was going to do. Maybe even worse, I stopped looking for that healing. It was too devastating to continue going up for prayer and feeling a sense of rejection on the way back to my seat. But as I was listening to a song last week one line has continued to ring out. “Could you not keep watch with me?”

I kept picturing my Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane in anguish about the debt He was about to pay for our salvation and healing, Ryan’s healing. I was ashamed that I had lacked the faith to continue watching.

Going forward, I will continue to watch, pray, ask, seek, knock, and thank Him for the healing that IS coming in His perfect timing.  I am confident that as I watch, and wait, I will see Ryan's little body continue to go from glory to glory just as I will continue to see my faith go from glory to glory.

Thank you, Lord, for paying the price for doubtful and sometimes bitter children!!  I love you!

Thank you all for continuing watch and pray with us. I pray that God will revive your heart’s desire and give you strength to watch with Him and walk it out........

You Have a Destiny

Last weekend, we went to help with my grandmother. The doctors had found that she had a blocked artery but it is deep in her brain so they cannot operate. It is estimated that she may have had approximately 8 mini-strokes so there was concern about a full blown stroke.


At 6 am Sunday morning, Mamaw called me to help her find some preaching on television. I couldn’t find her normal favorites but came across TD Jakes and asked her if she wanted to watch him. She said, “That’s the one you like isn’t it. Yes, I’ll watch him.” As I was walking towards her door she said, “Turn it up so I can hear it better.” It was blaring as I walked out. I went back to lie down on the couch and I could clearly hear everything that was being said. As I was dosing back off I could hear him saying loudly:



“When Jesus had been tempted in the wilderness for 40 days and for 40 nights and was weak and afterwards He hungered. The Bible says God sent the angels down to minister to Him, said, ‘You can’t die in this wilderness. You can’t pass out, in this valley. You have a destiny waiting on you. And if I have to send my angels to revive you, I’ve got to get you up out of this because you cannot die right here.


My God, I wish I did have time to tell you that have been up under attack and oppression by the enemy, you can’t die right here. You might be out of breath. You might be weary like Jesus was. You may have been through a series of battles and temptations, won some, lost some, but you still can’t die right here because it is written, ‘You have a destiny over your life. You have a future and you are better than your circumstance.’”


Look at your neighbor and say, ‘You have not been relieved of your duties and you cannot die here.’ Yea, pick your lips up off the floor. Grab your pocketbook. Hold your head up and get your back straight. You cannot die right here! It is written, ‘After this you shall rise up in power and glory and anointing. You might be weak. You may be weary. You may be frustrated. You may be angry but you cannot die here. That’s why God sends you ministry, to resurrect your destiny.”



Mamaw had been in rough shape Saturday that I was afraid that she would not pull through the round of mini-strokes. But Sunday morning, she was up walking around on her own without her walker. She had literally gone from walking slumped over, barely shuffling her feet while clinging onto a walker to walking on her own.

After I got back home Sunday night, I watched the sermon again since I had recorded it. When I played that part for Emily and told her the story she was as shocked as I was. I truly believe that God Himself was speaking that into her spirit.

Unshakable Faith

So many times during our health struggles I’ve wondered how in the world there could be any plan, let alone a plan for good not for evil, a plan to bring hope and a future. I just couldn’t see it. After six years of health concerns with our children, I have to say that I think the confusion is clearing and I can finally say, “Thank you for this time. It truly was an answer to prayer.”


The prayer came during a women’s conference. While everyone I knew was heading off to hear the most comedic speaker, I felt overwhelmingly drawn to a different speaker. I couldn’t stop thinking about the group of little African American grandmothers that I had been watching. When the speaker started a verse, they finished it with her all the while nodding knowingly and saying, “Em, I know that’s right!” What did they know and how did they know with such conviction?

I opted to stay in the main auditorium with them. I even moved to a closer seat and prepared to take notes. I did learn a lot of head knowledge during that session but the biggest thing that I came away with was that there was far more to God and our relationship with Him than I realized. I casually told God that I wanted to know what they knew and wanted to finish the scripture the way they did, with the same unshakable conviction.

Now about 10 years after that prayer and 6 years into our health concerns, I’m realizing that I do sing the worship songs with more conviction. When we sing about how God can heal the broken hearted, I sing it with the conviction of one who has personally been healed of a broken heart. When we sing about his provisions, I sing it as one that came to the bottom of my own resources only to find Jehovah Jireh my Provider. When the doctors ran out of answers, I came to know Him as our Great Physician.

I believe that in order for me to know what those little grandmothers knew, I had to first know who I, and people in general, were not. Otherwise, I would have continued to live under the false pretense that I was in control.

During the growing pain, there was the concern that so much pain and disappointment would destroy our daughter’s faith. In fact, the opposite was true. At seventeen years old, she has also found that unshakable conviction. Ow, and her humor is still intact as well. When we were discussing how everyone must go through their times of pain in order to grow and learn to trust God, she quickly responded, “Well, I’m not marrying a guy that hasn’t been through junk then!” And that might be the wisest thing I’ve ever heard from a teenager.