Easter Just Shouts of God's Love For Us

A little more than 7 years ago, I sat in a movie theatre with my husband watching “The Passion of The Christ.” As I was leaving the theatre with an overwhelming heaviness, all I could think about was, “God, the Cross was more than we deserved. Why the horrific beating to pay for our healing? I would have just made us wait until eternity for healing.” I think that God wanted that part to stand out to me as an encouragement for the coming years.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

He knew that in less than a month our unborn child would suffer a stroke. He knew that his stroke would lead to seizures, visual impairment, Cerebral Palsy, and developmental delays. I think He was saying, “Take heart! Here’s a gift of hope to pull you through this difficult time. I have overcome the world, cerebral palsy, visual impairments, and seizures. Here is a gift of peace; hold onto it.”

Some would say, “Why did He allow His own Son suffer? Why didn’t He prevent Ryan’s stroke?” Some even focus on the wrath of God over the love of God. I have questioned God at times but it seems we should question ourselves rather than God.

I’m not a great theologian but when Jesus cries out, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” I wonder if God the Father was looking away in an effort to contain the wrath of a Father whose heart was breaking for His Son – a Son who was perfect in every way.

If God, at His greatest moment of pain, was able to allow His love to control His wrath then isn’t His love far greater than His wrath? If God could wait for His Son to pay the full price for our son, then shouldn’t I be able to thankfully and patiently wait for this gift to be displayed in his life.

If God was willing to suffer more than we can even comprehend to give us more than we could ever deserve, who are we to question Him? And yet – He graciously takes our questions and uses them to lovingly teach us.

Perception Deception

One of the ways I know God is speaking to me is that He keeps bringing the same question or word to my mind until I sit down and follow His lead. This week the word is “perceive.” It all started when Emily and I were laughing about my van and its many noises. I was telling her that the squeaks must scare people because now people seem to scurry across the street much quicker these days when they are in front of me. She said, “Mom! It’s not the squeaking! It’s the sound of the engine revving like you are going to run over them!”


I’m the only one who is still willing to drive the van so I’m only used to the interior noises. Apparently, it is idling high and sounds like I’m on the verge of road rage to pedestrians. I began to think about other misperceptions of the Howell family.

Once when Wes was in the Army, we were being transferred from Ft. Bragg to Ft. Lewis. We went to Las Vegas on the way. With all of the lights and things to see, Wes incorrectly perceived the slope in the white sidewalk to be an entrance into The Mirage. Much to the dismay of the Asian sightseers with their brown sandals, white socks, and expensive cameras, he had no other option but to turn left onto the sidewalk. When I saw their faces and heard the string of foreign obscenities, I dove to the floor to spare my dignity.

To fall in line with his day of incorrect perceptions he belted out, “What are you doing in the floor?!? Get up here! I look stupid up here alone!” How someone sitting in the passenger seat hysterically laughing at him could somehow make him look intelligent as he drove through the Asians is beyond me. I correctly perceived that he could look stupid alone or we could look stupid together. Either way, a personal sacrifice of my own dignity would not alter his perceived intelligence in any way, shape, or form.

With all of the fallacies of our understanding of even the simple things, there is no wonder God felt the need to give us Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

Even though He often reminds me of Proverbs 3:5, I still find myself fretting over the what-ifs or trying to imagine a plan that works all of our circumstances out for our good. Thankfully, God is helping me to grow stronger at resisting the thoughts that go against His Word.

In light of our family’s perception track record, the thought of depending on our own understanding makes our driving issues look intelligent.  We’ve actually made God’s Proverbs 3:5 case for Him. How can such limited minds, however self-imposed some limitations may be, correctly perceive the detailed plans of such a limitless God?

My Provision Will Never Run Out??

So many things in 1 Kings 17 and 18 seem to be jumping off the page at me lately.  Today it is the widow at Zarepath (1 Kings 17:7-16).  I can't help but wonder if she doubted the Word of God that came from Elijah.  Can you imagine what people this day and age would say?  Really? This jar of flour and jug of oil is going to last me until it rains again. Please!

She knew how much was in there.  She had already decided that there was only enough to make one last loaf of bread and that they were then destined to die of starvation.  I wonder if it was said with the over dramatization of Scarlet O'Hara, like I've often done. 

As a reformed (or nearly reformed) control freak, I've looked at our checking account and wondered how in the world things would work out.  As I drive a van with  more warning lights than a 747 (ok - slight exaggeration Ms. O'Hara), I sometimes wonder if it will really last until He provides another.

With each new expense or new van noise I think, "It must be about to rain soon."  But regardless, the provision in the flour jar and oil jug are just as impressive as the coming rain.

I love you Jehovah Jireh, my Provider...even when you have me working on a need to know basis.

No Habla Christianese

So, the picture above isn’t exactly about today’s post. It was more about being finished with NASA way WAY before Wes was and about being over the Titanic history lesson during our 4 day Disney Cruise. “Imagine this dining room under water. Wow, imagine this theatre being under water.” I preferred to imagine a vacation without depressing thoughts. Anyway, I added the picture because it is as close as I can come to the thoughts I have about mysterious, overused, Christianese slogans.


My husband and I have sworn off the “religious debates.” They really aren’t productive. Wes is right about one thing though (ok, maybe more than one.) He has often told me that Christians speak a language that no one understands. I didn’t realize how correct he was until we went through our daughter’s migraines and son’s seizures/cerebral palsy. It made me realize how ridiculous some of my own advice must have been to those who were hurting.

One Sunday after a rough week of seizures and sleepless nights, one poor soul had the unfortunate opportunity to “counsel” me. He came up to me and said, “Now Ms. Anita, you just need to leave it at the altar.” I did keep my mouth shut and attempt a fake smile but I am not good at hiding my feelings. If he were even remotely good at reading body language he would have heard, “Look Bucko! You know what I want to leave at the altar…YOU, YOU are what I want to leave at the altar.” Then there was a whole string of Madea mutterings all the way out to the car. “Did you sleep through the night? Yes, yes you did. Did you hold your child while the seized in your arms. No, no you didn’t. Tell me……boy I will knock you out!”

Ah, another one that I love, “Let go and let God.” My thoughts have been no more godly on those responses, “How about I let go and knock you out!” Before you e-mail and lecture me, let me just say that those thoughts came at a very painful time for our family. And though you may find theology to back them up, a person in pain isn’t prepared for a theological lecture.

Finally, I began to figure out why those comments were so bothersome to me when I saw the frustration on our daughter’s face after she had been told that she just needed to “give it to God.” She had been struggling with some gigantic past hurts and that comment really wasn’t helpful at all. I could see the frustration in her face. I knew the feeling well, “What if I can’t figure out how to do that? What then? Will I just always hurt like this?”

Comments like that increase the pressure because they sound like we are in control of ending our pain. They imply that our enormous pain won’t leave until we get it right and take these mysterious, illusive actions: “Let go and let God.” Or “Give it to God.” Or “Leave it at the altar.”

We aren’t in charge of fixing our pain. We need the God of restoration. We need the Great Physician. He is the only one that can fix our broken-heart and heal our pain. What I wish someone had said to me was, “Anita, when you are afraid or hurting just keep asking God to take it from you and in time, little by little, He will. Every time those thoughts come in start praying and ask God to stop them.” That puts the burden back on God’s shoulders rather than our own. Our responsibility is to keep coming to Him and asking that He take it away. There’s nothing mysterious about that. I know how to talk. I know how to ask for help.

Oh, and I would like to apologize for any lame advice that I gave during my pre-trial days. I am very very sorry.

Becoming a Voice for the Children

I traveled to Columbia last week with a friend for the Disability Advocacy Day. We knew that it could be an emotional day but we didn’t know it would start so soon. As we were walking in we were behind a group of special needs adults. The two in the picture above particularly stood out to us. They will most likely challenge me to be a better person for a long time to come.

The gentleman with the cane remained quiet throughout the walk but his perseverance was inspiring. Though it obviously took tremendous effort with streets to cross, slops to navigate, and steps to watch out for, he never complained and diligently plugged away. Of course he didn’t have to talk, his friend, the other gentleman in the picture, was on the job.

He watched and reported every hazard along the way. I’m at a loss on how to describe the love and compassion in his voice as he announced each slop, step, or the fear that his friend’s shoe was coming off. And as any good advocate would do, he bellowed out for the group to wait when he saw his friend was being left behind.

His voice keeps running through my mind. Even when he bellowed to the group to wait there was no animosity or even the slightest irritation at the group for having left his friend. The next time I would hear such a compassionate voice would be while being on the verge of tears after stopping by Governor Haley’s office.

When we stopped by her office, we heard that a mom was waiting to see the Governor. Governor Haley visited her town the week before, after a fire had destroyed a factory. While there the father had spoken with the Governor and mentioned that his wife would be in Columbia for Disability Advocacy Day. The Governor asked him to have his wife stop by her office to see her.

We were very excited that she wanted to hear about our children. Sadly though, word was sent out through a staff member that she was busy and that her entire day was booked. No time had been set aside for our children even on the annual Disability Advocacy Day when 600 people planned to visit Columbia. The next scene was like something out of a movie.

I guess the lioness rose up in the mamas and we united as if we were all lifelong friends. I don’t remember all that was said but it ended with, “What could be more important than the quality of life of THIS CHILD or this one?” Then Moms around the room began repeating one after another, “Or this one.” “Or this one.” “Or these two.”

As we walked away discouraged, I once again heard the voice of peace-making compassion. It was a different gentleman but the same indescribable voice. He confidently blocked my exit by reaching out to shake my hand. While holding my hand, he began sounding out the name on what he thought was my name tag, a “Support the Ways and Means Proposal” sticker. “Is your name S, S, Susan?” Un-phased by the phonetic impossibility that Anita was written on my sticker, he loudly voiced his desire for me to have a good day. Little did he know that he had single-handedly made that possible and, in an instant, moved me from tears of disappointment to tears of joy.

I started out this journaling time by asking God how I could best speak for special needs children. Though I had hoped to speak with our Governor during our trip, I think the trip was about my learning how to be a better voice. So with these wonderful voices of love and compassion as my example, I pray that I will be able to follow the advice of King Lemuel’s mother in Proverbs 31: 8 – 9 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

Our children are facing Medicaid cuts that could dramatically affect their quality of life, not just for the present but throughout their lifetime. If we are forced to choose between occupational, physical, or speech therapy we are, in essence, choosing whether our children will be able to feed themselves, have healthy posture, or be able to communicate their needs and desires. These are choices that no parent should have to make.

Other than God, our Governor wields the most power in approving or declining cuts to the Medicaid budget. I pray that our voices will effectively, with love and compassion, call Governor Haley to follow the advice of King Lemuel’s mother as well.

You Could Be On Your Third Set of Jars

Why does God let things get worse before they get better? Will they ever really get better? When things get worse is God mad at me? Have I failed? Is there hope? When I face obstacles does it mean God loves me less than those who "seem" to have unlimited favor? Maybe an answer to a bigger question resolves all of the “why” questions.    .....are increasing obstacles a really a sign of decreasing potential or could they just be a countdown to a move of God?

1 Kings 18: 33 – 35 NIV

“….Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.” “Do it again,” he said and they did it again. “Do it a third time,” he ordered and they did it the third time. The water ran down and around the altar and even filled the trench.”

God lets things get worse so that there is no doubt that He is God. It is the modern day Mount Carmel challenge. “If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal is god, follow him.” All of those jars of water left no doubt that with man, Baal, and any other false god, a fire was impossible. Baal wasn’t even able to ignite the drought dried wood on his altar. Only with The One True God was this possible.

One of the differences in our modern day Mt Carmel moments might be that we aren’t as in touch with what God is doing. So, we become distracted by our need for “fairness”, especially when the odds seem to be stacked against us. Elijah was so in touch with God that he actively took part in tipping the scales of fairness in Baal’s favor. He himself ordered the jars of water added onto his altar.

His confidence in God has me now thinking of negative comments, like that of Dr. Fancy Pants, as a good thing. Yes, finally the third set of jars that completely eliminates the world’s ability to take credit for God’s work in Ryan’s progress. Now the empty checking account, broken head gasket, $50,000 price tag for a van with a lift are all good indicators that we are entering our third set of jars season. I fully recognize and admit that our needs are well beyond our own ability to meet, medically and financially.

Though we are still seeing the third set of jars poured out in our lives, like Elijah, I can hear the sound of rain and even see the small cloud, “the size of a man’s hand” in the distance. It brings a sense of relief because I know that the battle is not mine but the Lord’s. Whew!! I was tired of fighting and it is exciting to know that the best is yet to come. ;)

1 Kings 18: 38 – 39

Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. When all of the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried,

“The Lord – He is God! The Lord – He is God!”



We Are, Thankfully, Outliers!!!

Thanking my God, my Savior, my Teacher, my Great Physician, my Healer, and my Counselor today that I AM AN OUTLIER. My husband is an outlier. My daughter is an outlier. And my son is an outlier. The world, without God’s wisdom, has no other source of understanding short of things like statistics. And wouldn’t you just know that God would show up and show off by creating outliers. People whose potential, for some inexplicable reason, exceed the world’s estimated potential.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

If I were to lean to the world’s understanding, statistically speaking, I should be married to an abusive alcoholic. I’ve been married to my husband, a man who loves and supports me in my hopes and dreams, for 22 years – I am an outlier. My husband should be a verbally abusive alcoholic. Even as a former Army Sergeant, our daughter always preferred his discipline to mine – he is an outlier.

Our daughter, who struggled with migraines for over a year, should have struggled with headaches the rest of her life. God lead us to a deficiency, the needle in a haystack, and now she has been headache free for more than two years – she is an outlier. Most children with Cerebral Palsy as involved as Ryan’s require a feeding tube. Yet, Ryan has never needed a feeding tube, never aspirated, and never had pneumonia – he is an outlier. A doctor told us, “The glasses prescribed by the optometrist won’t help.” Two years later his vision continually improves and, though he is visually impaired, he is no longer considered legally blind – outlier.

Statistics are only good for one thing and that is to assist His kids in understanding, “But by the grace of God, there go I.” Monday, before I came to this understanding, I was briefly distracted by a doctor’s comment, “A child’s chance of walking drops by 99% after the age of 7.” His comment was very random and out of the blue so I had no response other than a blank stare.

I suppose the awkward silence lead him to add, “Though there are outliers.” I wonder if, in the silence, he suddenly recognized a King’s Kid, an outlier, a child who might walk in one day and serve the good doctor a healthy dose of humble pie.

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Ryan’s neurologist is a Christian man who recognizes that his own limitations in treatments do not define a child’s potential. He has always said, “I will never tell you what Ryan can’t do but what we need to do to help him. Kids always prove us wrong. There is a little girl in the lobby whose mom was told she would never walk or talk. She is running around the waiting room chattering away right now. I just hope that I can get her to sit still and talk to me.” -outlier.

If you are a King’s kid, you too ARE an outlier!!! Any other outlier stories to share? Please send a comment and I will post them as well.