The Basket Caper

There our daughter sat with tears streaming down her face. As my husband apologized, I didn’t know who I felt worse for. Poor thing, he had no idea what he was stepping into when he said, “Hey Em, I kept everything in your old playhouse but the baskets. I took all of the baskets to the dump this morning.” Instantly, we both said, “not the wedding basket?!?”

While a basket may seem like a silly thing to be upset about, it really was something that meant a lot to her. You see, Emily was a flower girl when she was around five. The bride was someone that Emily loves dearly so the basket reminded her of a time when she felt very special.

Even though the basket meant a lot to her, she did quickly forgive him but he felt horrible and couldn’t let it go. The next morning he got up at 6:30 am to get to the dump before it opened. Let me clarify, a Saturday morning at 6:30 am. When he arrived he found the dumpster that he had used but it was so full that he couldn’t see the basket. Surprisingly the men there could all relate and all gave him a sympathetic, “Ow, man! Sorry dude.” Then they began sharing their own “basket” moments – lost jewelry, stuffed animals, and so on.

For safety reasons, they couldn’t allow him in the dumpster to look around. But they rallied around their fellow Dad in crisis and, after a few phone calls, they completely changed the pick-up schedule of the dumptsers. Wes called to tell me he was in “phase two of the basket caper.” He was following the dumpster out to the landfill to see if he could find it when they unloaded. With the bulk bin being packed with heavy items, it didn’t look good for the fragile little basket on the bottom.

Once he got there one worker waived him into a restricted area and another said, “I’m going to slowly lift the dumpster so that it doesn’t get crushed by the large items. Yell if you see it and I’ll stop.” Sure enough, he lifted slowly and a large pile fell forward. There in the bottom sat the basket in perfect condition. The men all celebrated their victory together.

Now that little basket means so much more to Emily than it did before that day. It now reminds her of two times in her life when she felt special. The “basket caper”, I’m sure, is the most special time of all. After all, how many dads would go to that much trouble at 6:30 am on a Saturday morning?

I’ve heard that we erroneously look at God as having the same strengths and weaknesses as our earthly fathers. I think that is probably true and that day Emily not only witnessed how much her Dad loves her but also how much her Heavenly Father loves her. Her Dad gave up a Saturday of sleeping in to chase a dumpster to the landfill and her Heavenly Father protected a little basket in the bottom of the bulk bin.

I Miss You Papaw!

When I first see Papaw’s picture on the background of my computer I can’t help but smile. It feels like an instant hug from someone who loves me unconditionally and believes I can do far more than I myself often believe.

The day I took the picture he was sitting in his truck under a shade tree reading the newspaper. He was so cute that I had to take a picture. Once I did he turned and said, “Youuuuuuuuuu” with a cute little grin and a sparkle in his eyes. I quickly snapped another one, clueless as to how much that picture would later mean to me. Now that he isn’t here physically, it is a much needed moment frozen in time, one that is a reminder of many other healing and encouraging moments with Papaw.

Time with Papaw was just good for the soul. His godly characteristics are still pointing me to a God that is more than good for the soul. He had a quiet confidence in God that carried over into his view of those around him.

In such a busy world where cell phones and computers provide constant access, it is rare that we can have a complete conversation without interruption. But with Papaw, you had his undivided attention, focus, and subtle nudging in the right direction. When telling him about how hard it was to manage a job and meet the needs of our five-year-old, he suggested opening my own accounting business. “Be your own boss” he said, with no hesitation as to my ability to make it work. Now when I look at the business decal on the van, or add a new customer, it is like having that little wink of confidence from Papaw telling me that I can do all things through Christ.

Even though I miss him terribly, somehow the confidence, hope, and faith that he passed on is still here making me feel like he is close by. And, more importantly, his life is still teaching me about the love our Heavenly Father has for us. I love you Papaw!!!!!

Closet Brat

I always feel like a fraud when someone tells me that I’ve handled everything with grace. I know that I’ve acted like a spoiled rotten brat that didn’t seem to have an ounce of grace about her.

There are times that I still struggle with not going back to that angry, bitter place. But now I think I’m more afraid of that place than I am of my circumstances. I feel like it was a very isolated place that gave satan the perfect place the beat me up.

My biggest question today was, “God, Just one word from you could fix our finances. Why don’t you?” But then I started to think about the times that I’ve seen the same question on Ryan’s face, when we have to put him in a stander to help stretch his legs. When he is having an off day and doesn’t want to be in there he seems to be trying to stare a hole right through me. That is the only time that he will diligently work at making eye contact for an extended period of time. He wants me to know that he knows I’m there and not helping him.

He knows I have the power to help him and doesn’t understand why I won’t. He can’t see that I’m trying to give him more freedom, freedom to move independently and avoid surgery. It absolutely breaks my heart to have him think that I’m being mean to him.

I think that it must break God’s heart the same way when He has to let us go through a growth phase, a time of uncomfortable stretching. Truth be told, it might be the only time that I diligently work at making eye contact with God. I suppose He may be working to give me more freedom, freedom to live for Him independent of the securities that I think I need.

HE is Big Enough

In the middle of the trials, I had to come face to face with whether or not I REALLY believed the praise and worship songs that I once loved. Was I just trying to be a “glass half full” person or did I really believe that HE would provide even when the glass was completely empty.

I’m ashamed to say that during those scary seizure/migraine days, I sang those songs with negative thoughts going through my head, “Yeah, right. Please. If you love me and you’re merciful why aren’t you doing something? Why are you punishing me and my family? Helloooooo are you seeing any of this?!” I can just picture Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father running interference, “Father forgive her. What she really means is…..”

All the while, He was also teaching me that God was working all of the hard times out for my good – whether it felt like it or not. I didn’t realize it then but now I see that He was developing in me an overwhelming love for my Savior - a Savior that was willing to be the peacemaker and relationship builder between a bitter, angry, rebellious daughter and His Father so that I could see Him as my Father.

While I am ashamed of my negativity and doubt during that time, I am so very proud of the merciful, loving, kind, Father that was big enough to handle my honest feelings and love me through it all.

Ryan has now been seizure free for over a year and Emily has been headache free for five months. And while there are days when I can’t see how things will work out financially, I know that He will bring us through. Even on the stressful days, I can now sing those songs and know that I know that I know that HE is God and His word is truth that I can stand on in any storm.

Why I Believe

When I look back over the past 16 years it is amazing to see how God has grown my faith, especially in the past few years. Both of my children had health concerns during that time. Ryan had a stroke at birth resulting in seizures and cerebral palsy and Emily had constant severe headaches. Somewhere in the middle of that difficult time God made some huge changes in me, changes that I’m often at a loss for words to explain. But, for my kiddos, and anyone else that is interested, I want to sort through those years and be prepared to give a reason for the new hope that I have.