Sunday, April 11, 2010
Blinded to His Love
One of the most valuable lessons, albeit one of the most painful, has been in learning how much God wants me to see Him.
One evening when Ryan was about 6 months old, he and I were home alone. As I was holding him, I realized that he wasn't looking at me. He seemed to be looking through me. I stopped and put my hand up to see if he would notice. The more I watched and waited for eye contact the more panic and heartbreak began to set in. I tried to hold the tears back but eventually they got the best of me.
I started praying, "God, Please! No! Please let my baby boy see my face." I don't know why but the biggest heartbreak for me was in knowing he couldn't see me. I was afraid that he couldn't see how much I loved him if he couldn't see me. As soon as I began to tell God how much it hurt, I could almost hear Him saying, "Yes, I know."
The unnerving medical terms and conversations of the last six months had been terrifying. I had become so scared that I was completely blinded to Him and His hand in our lives. But that night, He painted a pretty clear picture of His feelings about my own visual impairment.
We've watched as Ryan's vision has gradually improved over the years. About a year ago, I finally asked the doctor if he was still considered legally blind. She said, "Ow, no. There is still a visual impairment but his vision has improved significantly. I'm not sure what is more amazing - that God wanted me to see Him or that Ryan is no longer legally blind. Regardless, when he looks at me I'm in awe at his vision and amazed that my God wanted me to see Him and His love for me.