Closet Brat

I always feel like a fraud when someone tells me that I’ve handled everything with grace. I know that I’ve acted like a spoiled rotten brat that didn’t seem to have an ounce of grace about her.

There are times that I still struggle with not going back to that angry, bitter place. But now I think I’m more afraid of that place than I am of my circumstances. I feel like it was a very isolated place that gave satan the perfect place the beat me up.

My biggest question today was, “God, Just one word from you could fix our finances. Why don’t you?” But then I started to think about the times that I’ve seen the same question on Ryan’s face, when we have to put him in a stander to help stretch his legs. When he is having an off day and doesn’t want to be in there he seems to be trying to stare a hole right through me. That is the only time that he will diligently work at making eye contact for an extended period of time. He wants me to know that he knows I’m there and not helping him.

He knows I have the power to help him and doesn’t understand why I won’t. He can’t see that I’m trying to give him more freedom, freedom to move independently and avoid surgery. It absolutely breaks my heart to have him think that I’m being mean to him.

I think that it must break God’s heart the same way when He has to let us go through a growth phase, a time of uncomfortable stretching. Truth be told, it might be the only time that I diligently work at making eye contact with God. I suppose He may be working to give me more freedom, freedom to live for Him independent of the securities that I think I need.

HE is Big Enough

In the middle of the trials, I had to come face to face with whether or not I REALLY believed the praise and worship songs that I once loved. Was I just trying to be a “glass half full” person or did I really believe that HE would provide even when the glass was completely empty.

I’m ashamed to say that during those scary seizure/migraine days, I sang those songs with negative thoughts going through my head, “Yeah, right. Please. If you love me and you’re merciful why aren’t you doing something? Why are you punishing me and my family? Helloooooo are you seeing any of this?!” I can just picture Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father running interference, “Father forgive her. What she really means is…..”

All the while, He was also teaching me that God was working all of the hard times out for my good – whether it felt like it or not. I didn’t realize it then but now I see that He was developing in me an overwhelming love for my Savior - a Savior that was willing to be the peacemaker and relationship builder between a bitter, angry, rebellious daughter and His Father so that I could see Him as my Father.

While I am ashamed of my negativity and doubt during that time, I am so very proud of the merciful, loving, kind, Father that was big enough to handle my honest feelings and love me through it all.

Ryan has now been seizure free for over a year and Emily has been headache free for five months. And while there are days when I can’t see how things will work out financially, I know that He will bring us through. Even on the stressful days, I can now sing those songs and know that I know that I know that HE is God and His word is truth that I can stand on in any storm.

Why I Believe

When I look back over the past 16 years it is amazing to see how God has grown my faith, especially in the past few years. Both of my children had health concerns during that time. Ryan had a stroke at birth resulting in seizures and cerebral palsy and Emily had constant severe headaches. Somewhere in the middle of that difficult time God made some huge changes in me, changes that I’m often at a loss for words to explain. But, for my kiddos, and anyone else that is interested, I want to sort through those years and be prepared to give a reason for the new hope that I have.