Sunday, September 20, 2009

Closet Brat

I always feel like a fraud when someone tells me that I’ve handled everything with grace. I know that I’ve acted like a spoiled rotten brat that didn’t seem to have an ounce of grace about her.

There are times that I still struggle with not going back to that angry, bitter place. But now I think I’m more afraid of that place than I am of my circumstances. I feel like it was a very isolated place that gave satan the perfect place the beat me up.

My biggest question today was, “God, Just one word from you could fix our finances. Why don’t you?” But then I started to think about the times that I’ve seen the same question on Ryan’s face, when we have to put him in a stander to help stretch his legs. When he is having an off day and doesn’t want to be in there he seems to be trying to stare a hole right through me. That is the only time that he will diligently work at making eye contact for an extended period of time. He wants me to know that he knows I’m there and not helping him.

He knows I have the power to help him and doesn’t understand why I won’t. He can’t see that I’m trying to give him more freedom, freedom to move independently and avoid surgery. It absolutely breaks my heart to have him think that I’m being mean to him.

I think that it must break God’s heart the same way when He has to let us go through a growth phase, a time of uncomfortable stretching. Truth be told, it might be the only time that I diligently work at making eye contact with God. I suppose He may be working to give me more freedom, freedom to live for Him independent of the securities that I think I need.

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