In the middle of the trials, I had to come face to face with whether or not I REALLY believed the praise and worship songs that I once loved. Was I just trying to be a “glass half full” person or did I really believe that HE would provide even when the glass was completely empty.
I’m ashamed to say that during those scary seizure/migraine days, I sang those songs with negative thoughts going through my head, “Yeah, right. Please. If you love me and you’re merciful why aren’t you doing something? Why are you punishing me and my family? Helloooooo are you seeing any of this?!” I can just picture Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father running interference, “Father forgive her. What she really means is…..”
All the while, He was also teaching me that God was working all of the hard times out for my good – whether it felt like it or not. I didn’t realize it then but now I see that He was developing in me an overwhelming love for my Savior - a Savior that was willing to be the peacemaker and relationship builder between a bitter, angry, rebellious daughter and His Father so that I could see Him as my Father.
While I am ashamed of my negativity and doubt during that time, I am so very proud of the merciful, loving, kind, Father that was big enough to handle my honest feelings and love me through it all.
Ryan has now been seizure free for over a year and Emily has been headache free for five months. And while there are days when I can’t see how things will work out financially, I know that He will bring us through. Even on the stressful days, I can now sing those songs and know that I know that I know that HE is God and His word is truth that I can stand on in any storm.
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